History has again been made today as the Hubble, Spitzer and Kepler space telescopes teamed up to discover planet Reach from the game Halo: Reach. The news especially hits home for Larry Buzby of Regina, Saskatchewan. “It was a dream come true. Who knew that after a few days of playing this game that I would see it become a reality!?” Says a teary eyed Larry, who just purchased the game at a discount from a local second hand gaming shop. “I remember a YouTube video that covered the discovery of Gliese 581 g and many of us gamers hoped that it was this very planet. Some jackoff kept ripping on us for being stupid, but who has the last laugh now!?” Added Larry, 25 who currently resides in his mother’s basement.
SpaceX CEO and Entrepreneur Elon Musk immediately announced plans to send an advanced destroyer to the newly found world within the next 50 years. When asked how he would develop the fusion reactor used in the game, as well as the SPARTAN-III Mark-V armor, he simply winked and said, “trust me, we got this.” And when asked how he would get the funding for the research and development for, what he now calls the Halo Project, he stated that he was sure all the Halo gamers would pitch in a hundred bucks each. “Hey, if they’re willing to pay 80 bucks for a game, how much do you think they’ll kick in to actually become a part of it becoming a reality?”
When we inquired about this with Larry he enthusiastically stated that he would gladly volunteer to be the first of the crop of soldiers making planet fall. “Sure, I may have to lose a little weight, first…” he smirked and patted his beer gut, “… but I’m sure Elon would let me slide on the requirements, especially since I’ll be dropping 200 bucks on it.” That’s the spirit, Larry… you can’t keep a good dream down.
Forget about applying for employment at prestigious NASA using the NASA site careers section. Amy Kudough did it simply by posting a reply to a recent article posted on NASA’s Facebook page. The young ambitious woman had only just posted her desire to work for the the US government agency when they replied directly to her message. “I felts that if I expresses my wants they would hires me. I’m very happys!” States 83 year old Amy.
In a phone interview with NASA career specialist Andre Mills explained why they bypassed their stringent requirements. “It was very clear that this young woman’s ambition alone was all we needed. We didn’t care that her english sucked potatoes, or that she wasn’t even a US citizen or even that she hadn’t yet even applied to a US university for a useful education in aerospace.” When we asked about how this affects future hiring practices, Andre answered matter-of-factly. “The fuck are you talking about? Hiring practices are meant to be bypassed, that’s why we make them. Look, if we kept stuck on wanting people to be properly educated in order to work in the aerospace industry the unwashed masses would never get a shot. It’s only fair that we forget all about the protocols we put in place over decades to make sure the right stuff is acquired.”
Other specialist high level careers, including the president of the United States, are now starting to follow NASA’s example and have begun employment drives on social media sources such as Twitter, Couch Surfing, Bebo, Sport Lobster and Tea Party Community.
In a turn of events that can only be described as momentous a Regina man who long supported the idea of a spherical earth is now a staunch supporter of an earth that is flat. The reason? He was called “sheeple” on the popular social media giant Facebook. The white male, age 52 and a blue collar worker, chooses to remain nameless due to the embarrassment that he admits is too much. “It’s just too much for me. I don’t want my entire family to be caught up in what is clearly my own failing.”
When asked what it was in the comment that convinced him to make the change he replied, “it was the word ‘sheeple’.” The word is commonly used by addle minded flat earth believers who commonly comment on NASA articles on Facebook and is a contraction of the two words ‘sheep’ and ‘people’. “Until then I had no idea that being smart and supporting science and discovery was where I went wrong. It’s clear to me now… I was such a moron that it was sickening,” he states. When he was asked what his initial reaction was he responded matter-of-factly, “I vomited… a lot. I couldn’t eat for days. Now I know,” the man explained, while tearing up, “that being an ignorant, stupid, jackoff who posts poop emojis on NASA articles is good and proper. I will never go back to being reasonable and logical again.”
The next time you critique Star Trek watch out. Recently a local geek was offered the first Accuracy Technician position at the Star Trek Useless Facts Foundation. The organisation has opened it’s doors to those whom they see as the most proficient in advising others how little they really know about the popular TV show. When approached by the foundation Malcolm Benedict jumped at the opportunity stating, “I was both surprised and honoured that I was their pick. At first I thought it was nasty joke. I mean, my non-geeky friends are always about the gags at my expense. After a bit of research and an interview I am now making money doing what I was always doing for free.”
When we interviewed Admiral Armand Hammer, president and founder of STUFF, he explains the importance of getting Star Trek facts straight. “I mean, c’mon… there are people out there confusing Star Trek with Star Wars, creating fanfiction with no regard to canon and no respect for the hard work the rest of us put in to maintain some semblance of consistency.” We mentioned to the Admiral that even the writers of Star Trek frequently get things wrong and his answer was surprising. “Fuck’em… fuck the writers, they obviously don’t know shit and will write whatever they fancy at any given time. The foundation’s goal is to supply filmmakers with the next generation of good writers and advisers that the franchise deserves.”
Other positions yet to be filled are, Useless Facts Adviser, Worthless Knowledge Archiver and WTF Physics Coordinator. So, the next time you post any comment about the Star Trek franchise on social media, be on the watch for Malcolm, for he’ll burn you. “Actually, it’s `they’ll buuurn ya’, from All Our Yesterdays of the original series. Please use a little effort, okay?” Says Malcolm. Good job, Malcolm. You finally found your niche.