In a turn of events that can only be described as momentous a Regina man who long supported the idea of a spherical earth is now a staunch supporter of an earth that is flat. The reason? He was called “sheeple” on the popular social media giant Facebook. The white male, age 52 and a blue collar worker, chooses to remain nameless due to the embarrassment that he admits is too much. “It’s just too much for me. I don’t want my entire family to be caught up in what is clearly my own failing.”
When asked what it was in the comment that convinced him to make the change he replied, “it was the word ‘sheeple’.” The word is commonly used by addle minded flat earth believers who commonly comment on NASA articles on Facebook and is a contraction of the two words ‘sheep’ and ‘people’. “Until then I had no idea that being smart and supporting science and discovery was where I went wrong. It’s clear to me now… I was such a moron that it was sickening,” he states. When he was asked what his initial reaction was he responded matter-of-factly, “I vomited… a lot. I couldn’t eat for days. Now I know,” the man explained, while tearing up, “that being an ignorant, stupid, jackoff who posts poop emojis on NASA articles is good and proper. I will never go back to being reasonable and logical again.”
The next time you critique Star Trek watch out. Recently a local geek was offered the first Accuracy Technician position at the Star Trek Useless Facts Foundation. The organisation has opened it’s doors to those whom they see as the most proficient in advising others how little they really know about the popular TV show. When approached by the foundation Malcolm Benedict jumped at the opportunity stating, “I was both surprised and honoured that I was their pick. At first I thought it was nasty joke. I mean, my non-geeky friends are always about the gags at my expense. After a bit of research and an interview I am now making money doing what I was always doing for free.”
When we interviewed Admiral Armand Hammer, president and founder of STUFF, he explains the importance of getting Star Trek facts straight. “I mean, c’mon… there are people out there confusing Star Trek with Star Wars, creating fanfiction with no regard to canon and no respect for the hard work the rest of us put in to maintain some semblance of consistency.” We mentioned to the Admiral that even the writers of Star Trek frequently get things wrong and his answer was surprising. “Fuck’em… fuck the writers, they obviously don’t know shit and will write whatever they fancy at any given time. The foundation’s goal is to supply filmmakers with the next generation of good writers and advisers that the franchise deserves.”
Other positions yet to be filled are, Useless Facts Adviser, Worthless Knowledge Archiver and WTF Physics Coordinator. So, the next time you post any comment about the Star Trek franchise on social media, be on the watch for Malcolm, for he’ll burn you. “Actually, it’s `they’ll buuurn ya’, from All Our Yesterdays of the original series. Please use a little effort, okay?” Says Malcolm. Good job, Malcolm. You finally found your niche.
Me Watching US Politics Right Now…
You know, it’s just too damned funny some of the stuff the power elite is pulling and getting away with. Not the part where they’re getting away with it as much as it’s the people letting them do it for so long, and now they’re feeling the fruits of those labours. That’s the funniest, right there.