Step One: This is the most important step, because without this step it will only take longer to lose. In order to ensure a swift effective loss, one must always lead into the topic with an insult to the other side. Remember, this isn’t about eventually reaching an understanding or common ground, this is only about making the other side feel stupid.
Step Two: Almost as important as Step One is the inability to acknowledge and apologize for the insult. In fact it may be best to respond to anyone calling you on said insult by insulting them also. This way you make absolutely certain that everyone who believes in calm, reasoned discourse knows exactly the calibre of your personality. Let them know that you are not to be fucked with. Keep that hammer at the ready, because that tool fits all occasions.
Step Three: Sometimes you will come across those that aren’t even phased by insults. They may continue to use evidence and support for their arguments. Remember that hammer? These people must be put in their place. Find something personal, something completely unrelated to the topic and insult them on it, while stating something completely unsupported by fact. Be sure that you do not support whatever it is, as the last thing you want is to suddenly start sounding intelligent.
Step Four: On occasion you may have someone calmly advise you to be more mature. This is a thinly veiled insult. They have effectively called you childish, while appearing to be in some way morally superior. That’s right, they think they are superior and are, in fact, talking down to you. Raise that hammer again, because the only way to win against these people is to push them with even more insults. Eventually they will break. Just for good measure you may want to pick apart spelling and grammar mistakes, because these little errors have absolutely nothing to do with the topic.
Step Five: Use only word of mouth facts. You must not under any circumstances check into those facts before mentioning them. Doing so will destroy the entire image of someone not to be fucked with that you’re trying to get across. Besides, if they want the support so badly they can damned well look them up themselves. You might even want to say this to them, as it may frustrate them early on, making them leave the argument and thus letting you win by default.
Step Six: At some point you will be asked to provide support for the facts you know damned well are true. When this happens you are not helping your case by obliging these insane requests. Besides, they are requests not demands. Even if they did demand you can always state that you do not answer to demands. It is a good idea to reply with words to the effect that your facts are “common knowledge”… you may even want to use those exact words.
Step Seven: As you progress in the argument the opposition may end up backing each other up. This is simple ganging up on you, and only appropriate for your side to do to their side. It is completely unfair that the other side of the argument pose a unified front of reason. It is very frustrating, I know, but remember that to win the argument, you cannot cave to their demands for logic, reason, evidence and support.
Step Eight: Keep pushing facts without any weight to them. Eventually they will get fed up and leave the argument. At that point you can claim victory. Be proud that you pulled it off and that it cannot be said that you lost because
they you gave up, you didn’t. Tenacity, tenacity, tenacity will always win the day.
Special thanks to certain Facebook users in recent history who have demonstrated all these steps. If it wasn’t for you wonderful people, I’d still be wondering about what topic to write about today.
BTW, if you liked this and got here from an external link, I encourage you to go here and join the group.