Fictional Planet of Larry’s Favourite Science Fiction Game Found

History has again been made today as the Hubble, Spitzer and Kepler space telescopes teamed up to discover planet Reach from the game Halo: Reach. The news especially hits home for Larry Buzby of Regina, Saskatchewan. “It was a dream come true. Who knew that after a few days of playing this game that I would see it become a reality!?” Says a teary eyed Larry, who just purchased the game at a discount from a local second hand gaming shop. “I remember a YouTube video that covered the discovery of Gliese 581 g and many of us gamers hoped that it was this very planet. Some jackoff kept ripping on us for being stupid, but who has the last laugh now!?” Added Larry, 25 who currently resides in his mother’s basement.

SpaceX CEO and Entrepreneur Elon Musk immediately announced plans to send an advanced destroyer to the newly found world within the next 50 years. When asked how he would develop the fusion reactor used in the game, as well as the SPARTAN-III Mark-V armor, he simply winked and said, “trust me, we got this.” And when asked how he would get the funding for the research and development for, what he now calls the Halo Project, he stated that he was sure all the Halo gamers would pitch in a hundred bucks each. “Hey, if they’re willing to pay 80 bucks for a game, how much do you think they’ll kick in to actually become a part of it becoming a reality?”

When we inquired about this with Larry he enthusiastically stated that he would gladly volunteer to be the first of the crop of soldiers making planet fall. “Sure, I may have to lose a little weight, first…” he smirked and patted his beer gut, “… but I’m sure Elon would let me slide on the requirements, especially since I’ll be dropping 200 bucks on it.” That’s the spirit, Larry… you can’t keep a good dream down.

Woman Gets Hired by NASA After Reply to Facebook Post

Forget about applying for employment at prestigious NASA using the NASA site careers section. Amy Kudough did it simply by posting a reply to a recent article posted on NASA’s Facebook page. The young ambitious woman had only just posted her desire to work for the the US government agency when they replied directly to her message. “I felts that if I expresses my wants they would hires me. I’m very happys!” States 83 year old Amy.

In a phone interview with NASA career specialist Andre Mills explained why they bypassed their stringent requirements. “It was very clear that this young woman’s ambition alone was all we needed. We didn’t care that her english sucked potatoes, or that she wasn’t even a US citizen or even that she hadn’t yet even applied to a US university for a useful education in aerospace.” When we asked about how this affects future hiring practices, Andre answered matter-of-factly. “The fuck are you talking about? Hiring practices are meant to be bypassed, that’s why we make them. Look, if we kept stuck on wanting people to be properly educated in order to work in the aerospace industry the unwashed masses would never get a shot. It’s only fair that we forget all about the protocols we put in place over decades to make sure the right stuff is acquired.”

Other specialist high level careers, including the president of the United States, are now starting to follow NASA’s example and have begun employment drives on social media sources such as Twitter, Couch Surfing, Bebo, Sport Lobster and Tea Party Community.

Local Man Now Believes In Flat Earth After Being Called ‘Sheeple’ On Facebook

In a turn of events that can only be described as momentous a Regina man who long supported the idea of a spherical earth is now a staunch supporter of an earth that is flat. The reason? He was called “sheeple” on the popular social media giant Facebook. The white male, age 52 and a blue collar worker, chooses to remain nameless due to the embarrassment that he admits is too much. “It’s just too much for me. I don’t want my entire family to be caught up in what is clearly my own failing.”

When asked what it was in the comment that convinced him to make the change he replied, “it was the word ‘sheeple’.” The word is commonly used by addle minded flat earth believers who commonly comment on NASA articles on Facebook and is a contraction of the two words ‘sheep’ and ‘people’. “Until then I had no idea that being smart and supporting science and discovery was where I went wrong. It’s clear to me now… I was such a moron that it was sickening,” he states. When he was asked what his initial reaction was he responded matter-of-factly, “I vomited… a lot. I couldn’t eat for days. Now I know,” the man explained, while tearing up, “that being an ignorant, stupid, jackoff who posts poop emojis on NASA articles is good and proper. I will never go back to being reasonable and logical again.”

Open Letter to Shitty People: Part Two – To My Climate Denying Friend/Relative/Acquaintance

I’m not going to use your name. I’m not even going to give a clue to others how I know you. However, when you do recognize that I am talking to you, also realize my attempt to keep your identity, and thus the horrible nature of your personality, secret from others knowing exactly how bad of a person you really are. Also realize how terribly disappointed in you I am.

One would think that at some point in your adult life you would have learned that simply denying the existence of a problem does not make it cease to exist. It will sneak up from behind and tear off a sizable chunk of your ass. Nor is it appropriate to discount the obvious, those things I don’t need to mention because they’re bloody obvious. I don’t know, maybe you’re just eeking out the rest of your life in blissful ignorance of them because you don’t want to think about it.

However, you keep bringing up the topics. The obvious answer is that you do want to think about it. You keep thinking about it and talking about it until you rage about it. It’s partially about the rage, though. You love to rage, it feels good and in the end you have the feeling of triumph. But that feeling of disappointment creeps in, because even though you tell me exactly how wrong and stupid I am I still “don’t understand”.

It does astound me that someone as “highly educated” as yourself still doesn’t accept reality. In fact, I question your true motivations. Is the evidence uncomfortable and it’s just easier to crap all over anything that threatens your artificial comfort zone, or are you deliberately being an asshole? Yes, that last word was necessary. It expresses exactly the kind of person you would be if you were doing all this on purpose.

The pleasantries boat already sailed a long time ago when you shifted to badly hidden insults and lies to wallpaper over the gaping holes of your philosophy. Suck it up or not, the facts – or all the consequences of ignoring them – don’t care whether or not you believe them. I don’t care either.

Open Letter to Shitty People – Part One: To My Racist Friend/Relative/Acquaintance

I’m not going to use your name. I’m not even going to give a clue to others how I know you. However, when you do recognize that I am talking to you, also realize my attempt to keep your identity, and thus the horrible nature of your personality, secret from others knowing exactly how bad of a person you really are. Also realize how terribly disappointed in you I am.

One would think that at some point in your adult life you would have learned some semblance of humanity, especially since you had seen and been through so much of the exact same vitriolic hatred that you so proudly display.

Let’s dive right in, shall we? I don’t know or care to speculate, politically.  I’m more concerned about the failure of basic moral reasoning. What it is that really drives someone to accuse an entire ethnic group of people that they’re “filthy”, “stink”, and are “diseased”? What happens that makes an otherwise reasonable human being become so ignorant and disrespectful for entire populations of other human beings? I would joke and say that so-and-so isn’t racist, so-and-so hates everyone equally.

But that’s not true either, is it? Because you do have your favourites, you announce them with the same hubris you use on those you hate. I can only guess that it’s because you honestly feel that it exonerates you from the dirty, stinking and diseased opinions you have of the others. You ought to reasonably know that it doesn’t actually work that way. Hating someone for no other reason but ethnic background is still discrimination, it is still racism and it is still absolutely wrong no matter how many others you chose to like to make up for it. That’s an egg that cannot be un-boiled.

It’s not even that you don’t know better. You absolutely know that what you are doing is wrong on the most fundamentally moral level. It’s not that you’re stupid either. That you have set up such an elaborate web of cultural biases is a testament to your intellect.

It’s not just wasted effort, either.  It’s the fact that you know you’re charging at windmills that is most concerning.  There were times that I regarded you with high respect for what you have actually accomplished. Now I find it difficult feeling anything but disgust. I’m not sorry to say this, but you’re simply a morally inferior being… and I think you may know that too.

Me Watching US Politics Right Now…

Me Watching US Politics Right Now…
You know, it’s just too damned funny some of the stuff the power elite is pulling and getting away with.  Not the part where they’re getting away with it as much as it’s the people letting them do it for so long, and now they’re feeling the fruits of those labours.  That’s the funniest, right there.


Talk is an Investment in Survival

I am a story teller by nature and the tales I tell are for entertainment. I create works of fiction deliberately. When I do tell a story that is based on truth I endeavor to not distort reality, or fill in blanks with supposition, opinion or judgement. By now you may begin to see the difference between a work of truth and one of fiction. Both are stories, but one has a necessity to be truthful… the other not. We often mix the two while we struggle to perceive what we feel is truth.

I went to the KFC in North Central (Dewdney) the other week and while waiting I greeted an elderly woman. Yes, I did notice that she appeared native. Noticing is not a crime, by the way. The crime is when one invigorates an incorrect theme by injecting fiction into it. The woman and I had a lengthy conversation.  We discussed the last couple of days, shared with each other something personal an unique.  We both enjoyed the conversation… at least she appeared to, and I am not in the business of questioning the obvious.  What I learned is that she was a minor hockey league fan, that her grandson played that very weekend,  that she was very proud of the boy, the work he put into his role on the team and the skill he mastered. There was no necessity to fill in blanks with supposition, opinion and judgement.

Our strength as a species is a combination of our differences and similarities together in the right proportions.  We are humans, and we became the pinnacle of evolution on earth, not by pretending we know a stranger and not by mixing fiction with reality. We became successful because we talked, learned and cared for each other. I know something truthful about another human being, not because I assumed a stereotype, but because we talked.